Late at night, sometimes, I have the strangest thoughts.
I am happy with my situation in life at the moment, being in school, having stability even if things are teetering sometimes. But then I think about the fast that in a little over a year I actually have to start life. I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. Find a job, find a home, figure out how to live, keep reaching for what I want my job to be, where I want to be, what I want to make, and at the same time trying to live the life I really want. Find someone to love, travel, get married, have kids and show them the world I want them to know. I really don't know how on earth I'm meant to get from here to there and it scares me.
I listen to a song on my iTunes that I've never listened to before, it's from 2007 and all I can think about is what my life was like in 2007. In high school, still doing theatre, infatuated with a boy, broken hearted by a boy, and all the thoughts, all the dreams that came from 2007. I was going to be a star, write the best plays, go to the best school, have my perfect man into 2008. It's all just faded dreams now.
How should I feel about that?
I see, hear, feel things that remind me of Chicago.
It feels like a lifetime ago, it feels like a year completely apart from the rest of my life. The feelings there, the look, the life, it was all something that only happened there, something I will never get again. That's not a good or a bad thing. It's just... a thing. But it's a strong thing, and the idea of going back to Chicago in any way scares me. Returning can ruin images, even if the images weren't the best.
My life in London last year was in a different London from the one I saw back in 2003. Those two places are not the same in any way, shape or form.
I haven't been in a relationship since my senior year of high school, and there was nothing normal about that relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to start one, how to find someone, I've almost always been the one found.
And do you ever think about the relationships that almost were?
Every now and then I think about them, they haunt me sometimes.
The best high school couple, the one everyone would want to be friends with.
The music loving theatre school couple.
The totally mis-matched college couple that secretly hate each other.
Where would those have taken me?
I feel weird writing a blog post like this, this isn't really my blog's feel is it?
I'm saying too much, things no one knows, but maybe it's okay.
I think too much, I never know what to do.
You want something, go get it. But we all know it's not that easy, right?
How do you get it? What do you say? What do you do when you want something so bad but just don't know how, or if, or when?
Sometimes I wish I could see things the way I saw them the first time all the time, because the first time you see something is always so different than all the other times. I don't always like that. But I also love it.
All I want to do is write something that changes people's worlds.
But that's probably too much to ask.
None if this is really a problem, nothing haunts me for too long, or scares me for more than a moment, but sometimes, like tonight, it all just runs through my mind like sidewalks after the rain.
(as I have decided to post this)
I am leaving you with a little late night story.
There once was a lanky and energetic lizard.
He liked to dance all over the rivers of the Amazon, splashing water on every creature he passed.
One day this lizard was dancing up a storm and splashed a big, wet splash of water on a giant snake hanging in the tree above the river.
The snake was not pleased with this so he lunged down and snatched the lizard up in his mouth. But before the snake could swallow, this dancing lizard pried open the snake's mouth and did one final dance on top of the snake's tongue.
The lizard then waved the river goodbye and let the snake close his mouth.
The End.
Good night.
I am happy with my situation in life at the moment, being in school, having stability even if things are teetering sometimes. But then I think about the fast that in a little over a year I actually have to start life. I don't know if I can do it. I really don't. Find a job, find a home, figure out how to live, keep reaching for what I want my job to be, where I want to be, what I want to make, and at the same time trying to live the life I really want. Find someone to love, travel, get married, have kids and show them the world I want them to know. I really don't know how on earth I'm meant to get from here to there and it scares me.
I listen to a song on my iTunes that I've never listened to before, it's from 2007 and all I can think about is what my life was like in 2007. In high school, still doing theatre, infatuated with a boy, broken hearted by a boy, and all the thoughts, all the dreams that came from 2007. I was going to be a star, write the best plays, go to the best school, have my perfect man into 2008. It's all just faded dreams now.
How should I feel about that?
I see, hear, feel things that remind me of Chicago.
It feels like a lifetime ago, it feels like a year completely apart from the rest of my life. The feelings there, the look, the life, it was all something that only happened there, something I will never get again. That's not a good or a bad thing. It's just... a thing. But it's a strong thing, and the idea of going back to Chicago in any way scares me. Returning can ruin images, even if the images weren't the best.
My life in London last year was in a different London from the one I saw back in 2003. Those two places are not the same in any way, shape or form.
I haven't been in a relationship since my senior year of high school, and there was nothing normal about that relationship. I don't know how to be in a relationship. I don't know how to start one, how to find someone, I've almost always been the one found.
And do you ever think about the relationships that almost were?
Every now and then I think about them, they haunt me sometimes.
The best high school couple, the one everyone would want to be friends with.
The music loving theatre school couple.
The totally mis-matched college couple that secretly hate each other.
Where would those have taken me?
I feel weird writing a blog post like this, this isn't really my blog's feel is it?
I'm saying too much, things no one knows, but maybe it's okay.
I think too much, I never know what to do.
You want something, go get it. But we all know it's not that easy, right?
How do you get it? What do you say? What do you do when you want something so bad but just don't know how, or if, or when?
Sometimes I wish I could see things the way I saw them the first time all the time, because the first time you see something is always so different than all the other times. I don't always like that. But I also love it.
All I want to do is write something that changes people's worlds.
But that's probably too much to ask.
None if this is really a problem, nothing haunts me for too long, or scares me for more than a moment, but sometimes, like tonight, it all just runs through my mind like sidewalks after the rain.
(as I have decided to post this)
I am leaving you with a little late night story.
There once was a lanky and energetic lizard.
He liked to dance all over the rivers of the Amazon, splashing water on every creature he passed.
One day this lizard was dancing up a storm and splashed a big, wet splash of water on a giant snake hanging in the tree above the river.
The snake was not pleased with this so he lunged down and snatched the lizard up in his mouth. But before the snake could swallow, this dancing lizard pried open the snake's mouth and did one final dance on top of the snake's tongue.
The lizard then waved the river goodbye and let the snake close his mouth.
The End.
Good night.
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