The Grunter from Hell (An Insomniac's Nightmare Neighbor)

There is a man.
A man who's face I couldn't pick out from a crowd unless it was a crowd of him and a bunch of women, or maybe children.
A man who actually maybe I couldn't even pick out of a crowd of him and women, cause for all I know he could be a woman.
A man who's age I do not know, who's race I do not know, who's religion I do not know, who's job I do not know.
A man who may live in my building or may live in building A.
A man I know nothing about.
And despite all that, I hate this man. I want to slap, shake, punch and strangle this man (though I won't, because I am a Quaker). I want to scream at this man, give him some cough syrup and seal all his windows closed.

Why do I have such strong feelings about this man that I do not know?
Because he is the grunter from hell.

You see, when I get into bed at night, I open my window. I open my window because I am a weirdo insomniac who needs a freezing cold bedroom in order to sleep. And when I open my window I hear his grunt.
It's not even really a grunt, because that makes it sound possibly like something sexual and I am 99.9% sure it's not sexual. The sound he makes is almost like the sound a really crappy old motorcycle makes when it won't start, but it doesn't last as long.
I mean, clearly he's clearing his throat, but it's so loud and so awful.
And it happens ALL NIGHT LONG.
But the thing is, it doesn't happen every night.
It doesn't happen at regular intervals.
It's not even always the same volume so there's no possible way to get used to it.

I just want to know why.
Why, Mr. Grunter, have you not had that throat thing looked into?
Why, Mr. Grunter, do you not drink a bottle of cough syrup every night?
Why, Mr. Grunter, do you do you hate me and wish to ruin my life?
Why? WHY!

So, if you are out there Mr. Grunter living in either building A or B of the Oakwood apartments in LA on Barham, please, for my sake, and everyone else who has an open window near you, stop.
You make me want to cry myself to sleep at night.
But I don't.
Because that might annoy my neighbors. 

I Choose Squirrels, and You Should Too (Ithaca College's Mascot Search)

Ithaca College is in the process of getting ourselves a mascot.
I think it's a good choice, we need a mascot for the Bombers, every schools should have a mascot!

So Ithaca decided to roll out the three choices one per day this week, come tomorrow, we all vote for our favorite and see what creature will be representing the Ithaca Bombers.

Here's what we got.

A.
Phoenix

I get it, it's a mythical bird and Ithaca is a mythical name and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. It's just so... look at us we're a cool exciting academic college with a mythical bird all full of meaning and shit. It doesn't capture the spirit of Ithaca in my opinion. We're a place full of weirdos (the good kind) and hippies and hipsters. Not... phoenixes. I vote no to the Phoenix.

B.
Flying Squirrel

Here we have Bomber the Flying Squirrel. When I first saw this I was flabbergasted. I mean, really, a flying squirrel? But it's grown on me more and more and more and now... WE HAVE TO HAVE IT! It's perfect, I think it embodies the school so well. We're a bit strange, quirky, fun. We're in the woods, there are squirrels everywhere! Plus look at him! He's got a little bomber hat and a scarf and he's gonna drop acorns all over your ass! He's adorable, but not too cute. He's just perfect. This squirrel gets my vote, no questions asked.

Last there's...

C.
The Lake Beast

This one is just... I mean, who picked this to get in? It IS the Creature from the Black Lagoon, seriously, it really is. Apparently it's because there have been sightings of this beast for over 100 years... okay Ithaca.
Want to know where they really got the idea?
They got it from me and Lyndsi Bosco.
You see, last spring break, Lyndsi and I informed the world (meaning a few friends and ourselves) of the creature that lived at the bottom of Lake Cayuga. His name is Graper and he is a giant radioactive platypus, and he does exist. I've seen him, Lyndsi's seen him, and I KNOW you've seen him.
Now, yes, this "Lake Beast" is not a platypus, but that's just because they knew we'd hunt them down if they made it too obvious that they stole Graper from us.
So, because the Lake Beast is really Graper, I don't vote yes, but... because the Lake Beast is really Graper, I don't vote no.


Let's sum this all up.
Phoenix - trying too hard, that's not Ithaca College, and that's totally not a bomber, come on! OUT
Lake Monster - actually Graper, and kind of weird, but also kind of fabulous. If it wins, that's okay.
Flying Squirrel - it's a flying squirrel. In a bomber outfit. It's a flying squirrel. Have you looked at that flying squirrel? HAVE YOU? WINNING!!!

In conclusion, my vote goes to the flying squirrel. So to all you Ithaca College students reading this, please vote for the squirrel, you know it's the best fit for Ithaca. Or vote for Graper... I mean the Lake Beast. But we don't want a Phoenix, come on, let's be better than that.


GO FLYING SQUIRREL'S!!